Mission Thropia

i feel sick. i want to cry, but im too nervous. this journal sucks and im destroying it. God please give me peace. if you don't speak to me ever then i don't know if i can believe in you.

i love my girlfriend. these past couple of weeks have been difficult, but i still remember what you said to me when we first started dating.. "you know you love someone when you stick with it even through the worst parts"..or something like that ( i butchered it).she'll put the real comment of what im talking about on here hopefully. it was devised by some author, a woman i think. anyways. its been rough but its getting better. i want it desperately to get better. it will. lets do this please.

on a side note...

my right shoulder hurts really bad. two days after i worked out pretty hard. everything else was sore for awhile but not this long.


ASFGGGGOIFHF)E(YH()*@(0&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&SGHUT(SGHGHITHSIFHUIWY*(& )RY R _TY(GRIOGF
*T^*(GUJH&&^DR)FFHOLJ()( &R)( *R*T_P>>>>>><L(& DF&sechsechoechoechoechoechoe3w881000101011___; -travis "figuhin shit out" gomillion

I'm back livejournal. I see you haven't changed much, and what's this? You have a couple bruises. That's okay, we'll fix you right up.

blah blah blah i prefer the company of men... ifyaknowhaddimean
lolz jk



but yeah i like men

stress is like pressure. physical pressure. water pressure in my brain. sometimes it feels like being 7,000 fathoms below sea level. yeah, i finished that book, so im using the word fathom now. i find plenty of solace in solitude. when it proves to be most gratifying are the times after work, a day of constant driving and negotiating with people who haven't a clue to what they are negotiating for. computers. goddamn computers. hey i did my time above ground, in the fresh air. open skies overhead with the occasional conversation are suitable, but when their words get thick and their spit revels in spite; it's time to retreat man. have a little time by yourself. with yourself. so i think that's it, can't really think of anything else to write. oh by the way, skin has a smell. in it's natural state with nothing applied to its surface it has a distinct smell. best way to see what i mean: sniff your kneecap. it's there, just breathe in deep.

I was going to write something in here long but now I don't feel like it. I bought a camera. Canon rebel XT digital SLR. Pretty sweet. Almost done with THE DESCENT by Jeff Long. I suggest that everyone read it. Everyone as in all zero people reading this. Other than that, not much going on. I'm trying to change the way I act around people. Old ways have started to creep in. I'm gettin' there.

In the words of Creed Bratton:

Michael Scott: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that.
Toby: That's no burst pipe.
Michael Scott: How do you know that? What is it then?
Creed (enters): Hey guys, somebody making soup?

"somebody making soup?"
Wise words...from a very wise man

Livejournal has been going slow tonight...all those after Christmas my grandma died posts. I hate those...but I am one for grandmas. I like most of them. So this week has been good as usual. Been with Natalie most of it, and that's always a plus..chillin' with Dan and Ryan, having some fun with the magneson device ( and who could ever forget the mighty Sphynx of US 41?). Words can't really express what I feel in my life right now. It's kind of a smear of many different colored paints. A mural of every emotion possible. Let's say: more interesting than it has been for a long time. Actually for once in my life I can make out with a person who is smarter than me...isn't that the greatest thing? Oh wait, you suck too bad to know. I learn lessons, how about if I put it that way. I learns me some good lessons. Reading heart-shaped box right now...very grateful to Natalie's madre for supplying that one. It was a very fitting present. Also, I am getting an amazing present from Noodles Kaboodles....A ukulele sirs, not just acoustic but also ELECTRIC. If that's not better than sex than I don't know what is people. Man, maybe it was just from last night, but I feel right now that the last two months of my life have been some kind of furious cyclone, tearing all waking thoughts from their roots and perfluating throughout  many different landscapes. God, I know perfluating is a word. I know it is. I just got it from my sub-conscious. weird. Well I figured out why I have these random bouts of frustration, and it is so clear. I tried to make up excuses haha, but you know how the real reason unfolds?

Her.
I am in so deep I can barely paddle. Just the depth of it all sucks me down again. Maybe you know what I'm saying...ever been swimming in the ocean with the tide's constant shuffling, put on some goggles, and just looked down. Well if you are really deep, it's pretty unsettling. You look down, and for a moment, it feels like you are just falling to the ocean floor, maybe like 50 feet. You are hovering 50 feet above certain death..in hydrogen and oxygen, two substances we breath in large quantities and when are separated don't suspend shit. Just that. And then you look down, see your tiny legs flailing, and you start to feel that pull in your stomach, like the floor suddenly came out from under you. Once you dive down however, it's a different story. Definitely not 50 feet, but maybe 10. You sit on the bottom and stare up and that ominous feeling is completely washed away. You can see the sunlight refracting through the water like gold spoon in blue jello  and around you, everything is quiet. Well I'm not on the bottom, and you know, I never will save for when my body finally fails and I die. Probably only then will I stop flailing, muscles relaxed, and sink to hazy bottom. Only then will I see that golden spread of wings grasp downwards. A glimmering fire that envelopes my shadow.

Right now I am sinking. I am changing so much. Don't think about sinking as a bad thing. The lower I am the more my eyes are fixed on heaven. I get frustrated because it doesn't hurt, when it should. There should be some pain associated with this happiness, I mean I am drowning, we are slowly drowning. There is no pain, and I'm just not used to it. I should be gulping for air, grasping for something to pull myself up with, chest hitching and eyes bulging...but I'm not. I am enjoying this ride so much and my soul is content.

If I could die right now, I would be closer to peace than I have and ever will be.

Jesus...
Jesus...
Jesus...

Selah.

i can be an asshole sometimes. something isn't right though, can't quite put my finger on it...i think it's me. not much sleep. i just get angry at so many things lately and i know now she has an impression of me that will remain forever. that's the hardest part. i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, particularly some of her friends. but maybe i just delved into that area a little too quickly. just don't think i'm that guy. please. because most of the time i feel useless without your attention.

truth is. i didnt really want anyone to know it happened. i promised you i wouldn't tell anyone about the things we did. it's okay really. i even feel bad for feeling dissapointed...but i think maybe you understand that. that may be one reason im a little frustrated. and very little sleep. just call me or something. now.

 fuck my life

we surprised natalie today. more people were supposed to come but they didn't. it was (is) still pretty sweet...if i do say so myself. because i planned it, thank you. uh, so i fail at school. i guess. always told myself i wouldn't be that guy, but i have succumbed to being that guy. i think maybe i'll still be okay, but i've dropped a couple classes and it looks like my lab teacher is going to fail me for not attending even though i have a B in the class. i'm pretty disenchanted with the whole engineering degree and i guess i'm going to change it. 

to what i ask? well that's the hard part.

 

I always feel the most productive when I am cleaning my room. Well, actually, it's like the only time I feel "productive" or well, you know what I mean. This weekend has been interesting. Way too much turkey, that's for sure. That stuff has something in it...like, candy-coated poison or something. Weird. Anyways, I will not be eating any turkey or stuffing or any of that stuff for at least another year. At least that long. Pheww.

OK, but anyways. I splashed my face with ice cold water, took a deep breath, and I got it together now. Notice how I try to make excuses when I am obviously doing something you don't like. Sorry about that. This is ze bad habit of mine. I'm sure you know. You are kind and gentle with your correction though, and thank you for that!

So finally school is  starting up again tomorrow, I feel very...out of the loops. Actually it feels like ages since I have sat in Chem lecture (may not be a bad thing). That stuff is...maddening.

SO, IN CONCLUSION:
I have a paper to finish, the room is clean, reservations are made for an awesome birthday, next is the car, then the suit, then my hair...maybe.

I found this Bible verse for you today during the sermon:

Isaiah 25 (Material for a song? Read the whole thing, it is really powerful)
verse 2:
      For You have made a city a ruin,
      A fortified city a ruin,
      A palace of foreigners to be a city no more;
      It will never be rebuilt.

verse 5:
      The fortress of the high fort of your walls
      He will bring down, lay low,
      And bring to the ground, down to the dust.

Colossians 2 (I really want to know what you think this chapter is talking about)
verse 20 -23:
    Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations— 21 “Do not touch, do not taste, do not handle,” 22 which all concern things which perish with the using—according to the commandments and doctrines of men? 23 These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.

to my fucking skull.

i threw up last night. pretty fun if you ask me. i dont feel like being intellectual, i feel like destroying something beautiful. actually, i feel pretty reckless right now. and, i just realized i am losing control of my emotions. gross. i don't like this post too much. someone put this shit in the garbage can already. yikes.

-travis

Tonight was very fun. We went to the Naumans, ate a second thanksgiving dinner (turkey so good, thanks to Davis), drank a lil drank, and then went and saw NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (aka NO MOVIE FOR OLD DAVE). But anyways, it was a blast. A gas. Yeah so Natalie doesn't have a phone, or a laptop now, and I officially am loving my life more than ever. WOW.

We got to go clubbing again, soon. I DON'T HAVE CLASS TOMORROW. YES!

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!

Thanksgivins bitches!!!!

ROASTED PORK, CREAMY POTATOES, AND HAM = MY LIFE TOMORROW

oh, and it feels good to understand things. i think my life is starting to make sense, somewhat, with you in it.

Friday and school is OUT. Actually now that I think about it, the only thing that is good about the weekend is that I don't have to wake up at 7 AM every morning. Hmm, funny.

Had some ideas for lyrics, just maybe a few words.

We have decided to introduce piano to the music.

The list so far:
The electric guitar strung acoustic guitar, piano lovingly, piano bench fun, grilliano, locked lips while tickling the ivory, mysteriously lost phones, math homework genius overload, roasted pork extravaganza, acclimated pleasure from the bitten lip, cozy blanket tent, ass that destroys worlds, lyrical desperation, chordation frustration, musical collaboration, distressed nation, ECCLESIASTES REALIZATION, the cursed race, shiny nighttime minarets, SLR curiosity, shaky face flash technique, all gums no teeth smile, bloody gums no teeth, old spongedock greeks, no-arm-adjust-the-fspot-it's-too-blurry-adjust-the-shutter-speed-focus-tarpon-plaster-shark-eurasian-lady-bust-open-my-shirt photographs, bench baby's birth after brutal beating by the tarpon bay bitch, 30 days of bathroom inventions, and finally...

swirly hips invisible hoola hoop dance.

What do all these phrases mean to you reader?

Hai!